tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29482963454010917722024-03-13T08:47:31.359-06:00Life, the Universe, & EverythingA collection of infrequent personal essays.johnphotoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06523362896263327167noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-68807897469914776772016-11-09T11:01:00.003-07:002016-11-09T11:01:31.846-07:00I Was Wrong...
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johnphotoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06523362896263327167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-26962270114017678812012-11-07T20:30:00.000-07:002012-11-07T21:45:40.995-07:00The Menu from Beggars, A Baby-Owned Restaurant For Dogs
Hand-rolled Cheese Crumples
An original! First, a slice of American cheese is torn into
millions of pieces. The closest pieces are then kneaded like clay into tiny wads.
Just before serving, the wads are smeared against the table edge and dropped
scrumptiously to the floor.
Artisanal Giant Croutons
We take the heel of a sourdough loaf, suck on it for 20
minutes, then let it air Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-49172207562507255212012-01-11T13:48:00.000-07:002012-01-11T20:38:37.351-07:00Lost in Translation
My son and his Spanish teacher
Parenting is a high-pressure game. I spend long, unhealthy amounts of time thinking of all the ways I'm screwing it up. To me, parenting is a series of decisions you make that transform your pure and perfect little person into someone you won't want around in a few years.
Most of my effort to date has revolved around the simple idea that not everything I Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-82117539835752859512011-07-15T11:17:00.003-06:002011-07-22T08:03:28.629-06:00Live Blogging a Live Birth
For my wife, who was busy.
July 10, 2011
@ 7:30pm: Oh dear. When Darby stood up to accompany me to dinner her water broke. I guess this is gonna happen. Darby is calling our midwife Jaymi.
8:00pm: The fluid is greenish yellowish. A quick perusal of the web says this is likely Meconium, which is a fancy word for poop.* It’s not necessarily serious, but the baby can aspirate it and this is Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-16920381862793505592011-05-21T16:11:00.002-06:002011-05-22T11:47:15.587-06:00My Last Words: A Bedtime StoryThe pictures from our younger days are always so embarrassing
Dear Young Photos,
This might be my final post. Any moment now, according to a certain portion of the Christian community, Judgment Day will be upon us. Had I realized that The End of Times was fast approaching I might not have been so cavalier about my decision to conceive and raise a child. I am so so sorry. In my defense, partUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-68702817577728625352011-05-14T23:03:00.001-06:002011-05-15T08:06:31.569-06:00An Attempt to Rectify What Is Thus Far a Glaring Omission from the Supposed Record of My Life and the Events ThereofArtist's rendering of my first apartment
Two years ago, on April Fools Day, an old friend named Jen decided to play a joke. As her Facebook status she wrote: Jen is pregnant! I admit that I didn't pick up on the joke immediately, and I went on with my day feeling vaguely happy for her while people wrote things like Congrats! or I KNEW it!
Later, back on Facebook, (or more likely still on FacebookUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-78007233111464933112011-02-20T22:18:00.002-07:002011-02-21T16:50:01.423-07:00Of Mice and Me
I was going to put "the picture" (you'll see) here, but I can't stomach it, so here's DJ Dangermouse, the only mouse I let in my house.
Ten years ago I decided to stop killing. Sort of. I wear leather shoes (more comfortable, last longer), I swat flies and crush the powdery hay-colored moths that ruin my suits and sweaters. Otherwise I'm like Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-2928223624024646932010-10-30T14:15:00.000-06:002010-10-30T14:15:52.461-06:00The Value of a Friendship(This image was originally used to illustrate an article in the New York Times about people who were deleting their Facebook pages in the face of unpopular changes to the site's privacy settings. The article was sounding a mass exodus and portended the site's inevitable decline. That was over a year ago, or, put another way, millions of new users ago. While this original intention seems Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-56986863142876059982010-08-29T19:44:00.001-06:002010-08-30T15:14:05.656-06:00A Distant 2ndCan you hear me now? Good!
I'm next on the list. If one more person out of the 48 current students has a change of heart or mind, I will take their place and begin nursing college in one week. If not, well, someone has to miss the cut off.
People keep reassuring me someone will drop out. My friend Amanda said, "Don't you think at least one of them enrolled just so they could get financial aid?"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-41498402893344249002010-07-11T22:19:00.002-06:002010-07-11T22:31:04.624-06:00You & I: An Introduction
My new job at the hospital has provided me with plenty of material, and plenty of time in which to write. I have begun to compose vignettes based on my experiences with my patients which I hope will become a longer collection. For now, here is an excerpt from what I have been working on. I am not sure how it fits in with the rest of the pieces since it is not specifically about one patient, but Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-1515959351878328022010-06-06T13:45:00.004-06:002010-06-06T14:47:42.049-06:00Almost Famous: Armando Galarraga’s Perfect Game*Will you go safe with me? I mean out. Will you go out with me?
Last Wednesday, June 2, 2010, Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers made baseball history. He retired 27 batters in a row without allowing so much as a single or a walk. This feat is known as a ‘perfect game,’ and is among the most rare occurrences in baseball, with Galarraga being only the 21st in history to do so. The problem is,Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-43953610100871382582010-05-24T00:18:00.004-06:002010-05-24T09:35:24.677-06:00The Midnight Train to GeorgiaThe Hyundai Santa Fe: It's not just for tourists either
Despite my thin credentials, I have been telling people I’m a writer for years. I admit it is a bit of a white lie. I write things, but like someone who never actually took karate but who watches a lot of martial arts movies*, I am more or less self-taught and largely untested. This doesn’t mean I don’t work hard at it or take the craft Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-46903391675019933772010-05-14T23:23:00.000-06:002010-05-14T23:23:32.042-06:00DisorientedWhat's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?
I have orientation at the hospital in the morning. I am trying to set my alarm for 5:45 a.m., but the 'minute' button stopped working so I can't nuance the time. My options are 5:00 or 6:00.
I wake at 5:45 anyway, before my alarm goes off. That is so fucking eerie. What else am I hyper aware of when I'm sleeping?
Getting dressed takes forever. I Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-85101847012220549502010-05-01T10:12:00.001-06:002010-05-01T10:19:25.987-06:00Sophomoritis
If Joltin' Joe had just quit when he reached 44, his streak would have been tied by Charlie Hustle
Like DiMaggio, Ripken, and Hershiser before me, my streak is over. Final grade for Pharmacology: 89.25%. In other words, I am no longer a straight-A student.
Last year I began my 7th year of college. I wasn't a great student in the first 6 years, but that was eons ago. I decided to make it countUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-82160694587630153302010-04-07T14:11:00.001-06:002010-04-07T15:51:24.685-06:00The SearchersSketch for poster:
LOST DOGAnswers to the name Newton, or Tron Tron, or Tronathan. Or Bobon.Actually, we mostly call him Buddy.Last seen in Old Town, fleeing in terror.
Even though it is technically against the law, Newton likes to be off the leash. He is very fast (I call him rocket dog) and he gets restless and obnoxious if he isn’t given a chance to sprint around for a bit.
His favorite game Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-42598811654341959982010-03-25T09:40:00.003-06:002010-03-25T11:44:21.533-06:00An Apology to My Former Fans
Wow! My first day back on coffee and I'm already sitting at my desk. Ok, let me say that I am so so so so sorry. I know it's been almost two months since I last wrote. I can make lots of excuses, some of them good, but the fact is I just haven't been working very hard on my literary career. A lot has happened though. I have much to tell you. And I will. I had a nice trip to Ohio. I Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-37988476652505149402010-02-03T08:06:00.000-07:002010-02-03T08:06:02.830-07:00A League of Your Own
Are you crying? Oh, no wait. That's me.
Dear Whole Foods,
Before today, I considered you a good friend. I enjoyed spending time with you. I sought out your companionship over that of other stores. You taught me new things about my eating habits. Mostly, I just thought you were cool.
One day, I woke up and I realized something as sudden and unstoppable as a sneeze. My Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-66748139556529462502010-01-25T07:21:00.004-07:002010-02-04T15:28:26.875-07:00Rhoid Rage
Pictured: Slang for asshole
WARNING: The following includes what some may consider "too much information," specifically regarding my anatomy. I apologize. I have tried to keep it PG by using childish euphemisms and not being too visceral, but if you have a weak stomach perhaps this would be a good one to skip.
Consider yourself warned.
...
I'm only 31, but apparently that isn't too young toUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-62512705094764986762010-01-20T20:35:00.010-07:002010-01-21T09:18:28.991-07:00Hunter/GathererWhy isn't "hero" a job anymore? I would save princesses all damn day.Unless I get accepted to the University, (and I probably won't), I will be waiting for the next two years to begin my actual nursing school. It's not a sure thing. I might get in. But if I were a betting man I'd say no.I am attempting to enter what they call the "second degree option," a program specifically suited for art Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-82886249785633318012009-12-30T08:10:00.013-07:002009-12-30T14:32:53.169-07:00I Saved Latin. What Did You Ever Do?2000-2009: Worked on my new movie, "Dances with Wolves in Space"This past decade constitutes the latter 33% of my life. It felt long and difficult, but also breathtakingly brief depending on how I focus the time line. I made some life-altering decisions, faced demons (the psychological kind, not the cool ones), and in many ways it was just as formative a time as childhood. Certainly I continue toUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-23265760984183795552009-12-29T18:58:00.007-07:002009-12-31T09:45:18.026-07:00Qwerty MonsterIdea for a story: A farmer teams up with a pirate to save a princess from an evil robot who is his father...When I was little, maybe six or seven, I went to a Tigers game with my dad. After the game he agreed to buy me a jersey. Though we lived in Ohio, a state with two professional baseball teams, and my father was a devout Detroit fan, I selected a Cubs jersey, mostly because I thought it was Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-43864928392939448922009-12-09T20:05:00.010-07:002009-12-10T00:22:31.768-07:00Carmen and the Guardian Angel...and apparently religious.The other morning I had to tell a woman to stop calling my house. Before she finally got me on the phone I imagined what I might say to her, how I would handle the escalating situation. Truth be told, I felt great relief at having spoken to her, but I was also hoping it wouldn't come to that. I thought she might just give up and go away on her own. You see, I'm not Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-47871410351805419922009-11-29T19:44:00.005-07:002009-11-29T22:17:47.465-07:00The New York Time's Effect on ManI saw a white light. And it had a great bass run.I am currently enrolled in a class called pathophysiology. It is literally the study of disease in the body, and it is so difficult that my spell checker doesn't even agree that it's a word. Don't get me wrong, it's fascinating, but sometimes it can be difficult to see how the information we cover is going to have anything to do with nursing. The Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-14557479499343541822009-10-30T08:18:00.007-06:002009-10-30T10:40:50.491-06:00In a Gallery Near YouDarby is unequivocally their favorite person in the UniverseI never used to give much thought to promotional materials. For one thing, I know I'm not getting an unbiased account of things. Take movie advertisements: short, decontextualized words of praise, set to theme music, where they play up adjectives and skip the part where the quote came from the intern at the Montana Sun-Rifle. It seems Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2948296345401091772.post-78616359384528718422009-10-29T14:55:00.003-06:002009-10-29T15:13:10.192-06:00Last DitchI have been taking lots of pictures, but that's kind of the least I could do as a Photo teacher.Well, the entire month of October has passed, and I've posted nary a word. I wish I could say that I've spent my favorite month undertaking exciting projects and spending lots of time outdoors before we all move inside for the winter and put on baggy sweaters to hide our baggy stomachs. Alas, it isn't Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0