In Full Disclosure

Looking back, it seems unbelievable that we were never caught


A few days ago, the following comment was posted below a review I wrote for the local free newspaper:

Impartiality 101

"A cursory Googling of contributing writer John Photo's [sp.] name reveals the author as the gallery assistant at 516 ARTS. While many small-town freelance writers will inevitably wear various industry hats, it would have been hella classy -- and dare I say ethical -- for Msr. Photos [sp.] to have disclosed his status as a competing Downtown gallery's staffer when penning this imperious review of "1x20". Journalists should always reveal any affiliations that might endanger their impartiality."

--vaginaenvy

Dear Vaginaenvy,

In light of recent events, I have had to do a lot of soul searching. Thanks to your vigilance and fair-mindedness, I have come to a realization about who should be allowed to say what, first amendment be damned. I can see now that as long as I am in the employ of a "competing gallery," my opinions are not to be recognized as valid. After all, it was obvious to you that I had an agenda for writing about a group show in Albuquerque. My hope was that after several more reviews my gallery would be the last one standing. The only thing that could have stopped me was a cursory Google search, you clever thing...

Well, the jig is up, and in a way I'm glad. Now that the truth of my employment is out there and my impartiality is again out of danger, I can breathe a sigh of relief and say thank you. You cannot possibly know the fear I felt these past weeks as I awaited discovery. And, to be honest, I don't even know if my plan was going to work. I realized too late that a better strategy might have been to publish with an actual art publication, rather than a local, free newspaper. Ah, well....bygones.

In response to your comment, I would now like to take this time to make amends with all those who I willfully deceived by omitting my status as a part-time gallery assistant, in the review I wrote on my own time.

I am sorry.

Moving forward--in the spirit of full disclosure, I realized that this obfuscation of the facts, shall we call it, is a recurring theme in my life. Many times I have covertly used my position of privilege to undermine the efforts of others. My affiliations, in one way or another, tend to color my views so darkly that it can seem to approach coercion. Well, as long as I have your ear I would like to set the record straight.

Firstly, at one time, while eating a hamburger from mine own father's barbecue, I was heard to proclaim that, "My meat is burnt." What I failed to admit at the time, for those in attendance, was that I had been working for some time at a local Arby's! Forgive me, Father! I am not proud of what I have done, but what choice did I have? I know now that your love means more to me than the approval of a fast food restaurant. I hope that someday we will sup together once more, and in peace...

Next, I recall when I had the occasion to say that, "I do not like Eric Clapton's guitar solos," to my friends in the freshmen dormitory. Well, I hope it will not shock you to learn that I, myself, also play the guitar! If there can be a more self-serving outburst than this, I'd like to hear it.

Still, worse was the time when my friend Peter Scolari and I dressed as women for an entire year so that we could live in a rent-controlled building for women only. I do not believe this one needs an explanation, so far-reaching are the improprieties.

And the list goes on and on...

In conclusion, I have learned a powerful lesson, and I hope after some consideration you will find it in yourself to trust me once more. I understand now that a person's opinion, unless they are completely unqualified to give it, should be kept quiet. But, if you feel you must express yourself--please, please, please be sure to be forthcoming about your qualifications, be they your workplace, your interests, or even your gender. These things are essential for the audience in order to determine how to discredit you. Full disclosure really is the best policy. Vaginaenvy taught me that.

Thank you.