Roses Ain't Red, Fool!

Portrait of the artist before his awareness of Slam Poetry


Tonight, back by popular demand, my gallery will host a "women's poetry slam and open mic." Due to a terrible miscalculation on the schedule, I, a man, will be the one overseeing the event.

A "poetry slam" is slightly different from the more familiar "poetry reading" because instead of a friendly gathering of poets in the community, a slam is a contest,* the winner being the person who came the closest to hyperventilating while speaking their various truths.

Although slam poetry is technically open to all types of verse, do not be fooled. In order to be considered a true slam poet there is very strict criteria. For one thing, a slam poet must never use a podium! I know this because as I was configuring the space I asked the organizer if they would like to use our podium, a lovely adjustable number with a faux-oak laminate top.

"Oh my, no," she said and made a face like I had asked her to pull my finger.

The reason for this, as far as I can tell, is that a podium would restrict your movement, effectively gluing you to one spot. This goes against one of the most important aspects of slam poetry, which is to stalk back and forth and point at the empty chairs in the front row.

The next thing about slam poetry--this is crucial--is that your poem must never rhyme.** This is especially important because your slam poem must also be very negative, and it has been scientifically proven that rhyming makes people happy. (Just look at the song Luka, by Suzanne Vega. Because of the catchy tune and tidy rhyme-scheme, a lot of people didn't realize that that song is about growing up Jewish).

If your poem has even one rhyme, you could be sending the wrong message, that is that you worked hard on your poem. It is vital as a slam poet that you come across as politically aware, irritated, and extremely busy and distracted, as though this poetry is just something you do quickly and by accident while you are on break from your job at the Co-op.

To further this effect, you must also dress down. If you wear anything other than ripped jeans and old bandanas, people will think that you planned to attend the slam ahead of time, and didn't just pop in on your way home from Obama headquarters. If you are not careful, you could come across as caring more about your poetry than the very real issues about which your poetry is not rhyming.

As I mentioned, negativity is key to a slam poem. For centuries, a very common mistake by poets was to write about beauty and nature and love. Well, if you are to be considered a real slam poet you must avoid these subjects like a fast food restaurant. There is not a person in the world that will take you seriously if you appear happy at a time like this. Moreover, it would be next to impossible to muster the appropriate "voice" required for slam if your poems are about flowers and grandmas.

The desired voice is difficult to describe, but when you are witnessing an authentic slam poet it is unmistakable. This is mostly due to volume, but there are several other qualities that one must strive for as a slammer. Among these are speed, fluctuation (tonal), and showmanship. If done properly, a slam poem will contain all of these things at once and will finish in a crescendo of rapid-fire phrases that will literally leave you gasping for air.

You will know that you have accomplished this by the thunderous applause of the other slam poets and one or two dudes who are there trying to seem sensitive. Only then may you smile.


* Like battle of the bands, only the bands are all Ani DiFranco.

** This is not as big an obstacle as one might think, as there are almost no words that rhyme with Wal-Mart or vagina.