Things I Learned About Camping This Week

Even though a snake is just a tiny head with a huge neck, this one scared me.

Tomorrow my wife, dog, and I will set out on a courageous adventure for which we will pack up 3/4 of our belongings and drive over an hour so that we may get back to our pre-agrarian roots by sleeping outdoors and eating spaghetti sauce from a jar. Because my prior experience with roughing it* is limited, I spent much of this week reading about camping and listening to unsolicited advice from my friends who are all apparently camping experts regarding the many safety hazards I am sure to encounter if I don't listen to them. I would now like to take this time to pass along some of the morsels I encountered that, should you ever decide to bravely follow in my footsteps, could very well save your life!

Foremost, when you leave the safety of your neighborhood to spend time in the great outdoors, you must tell someone where you are going and when you expect to return so that in the event you are killed or lost, this person will be the first to know and can contact the authorities. You will want this person to be someone who is trustworthy and responsible; after all, your life may be in their hands. You should also try to make certain that this person has a crush on you. That way when you are eaten by mountain lions or some such thing, they will be the one interviewed on the news, and they will blubber and sob and make you sound really great. (If you do not know of anyone who has a crush on you, at least make sure that they are very attractive).

Next, it is important to choose your companions with equal care and consideration. This may seem obvious, but camping is not for everyone. It takes a special type of person to want to go for a five-hour walk or get drunk in a forest. What I mean to say is that admirable characteristics on the "outside" might not translate well to camping. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that Jon Lovitz might be funny, but he can begin to get on your nerves when there's no one else around. And he can't cook worth shit.

Speaking of which, it is very important to bury your waste 6-8 inches in the soil. I have no idea why. I was also informed by my friend Bryan that if you do not have toilet paper, you may use "river rocks." By this he means actual rocks that are "smooth from the river." According to him, if you don't "go 500 miles per hour," it "feels nice." There are so many things wrong with this advice that I don't know where to begin, not the least of which is what to do if there are no rivers. Not only does he sound completely insane, I wonder what he does with the rocks.

Lastly, you have to remember that in the wild you are no longer the dominant species. Without the benefit of mob rule, you must learn to prevent encounters with animals that would gladly rip you limb from limb for your toothpaste. One of the ways to discourage a confrontation is to hang your food and cosmetics from a tree limb. Although bears can climb trees, they are exceedingly lazy animals and 9 times out of 10 will just wait for you to wake up in the morning.

And of course, remember to have fun. Although it has been a while since we humans left the forest, I believe that the forest never really left us. I believe that we possess an innate ability to get by with practically nothing when forced, and the knowledge of our ancestors still burns darkly within our hearts. And nothing brings these primal drives forth more quickly than parking hundreds of yards away and fending for yourself with nothing to eat but a case of Clif bars, a dozen eggs, soy sausage, oatmeal, homemade cookies, bread, and peanut butter. Rawr.


* Not my phrase. I read it in my book.