My New Year's Resolutions: Three Decades of Hope

The Early Years (1979-1989)



Age: 2 months (1979) – Drink less milk/Get more exercise

1 year (1980) – Be more outdoorsy

2 (1981) – Stop shitting in pants*

3 (1982) – Become a cheetah

4 (1983) – Complete training with Master Yoda/Defeat the Empire

5 (1984) – Learn to moonwalk

6 (1985) – Build more pillow forts

7 (1986) – Become a black belt through repeat viewings of The Karate Kid

8 (1987) – Get a tattoo, mohawk

9 (1988) – See an R-rated movie with boobs*

10 (1989) – Drink less chocolate milk/Get more exercise


The Teen Years and Early Adulthood (1990-2000)



Age 11 (1990) – Become an expert Archer

12 (1991) – Obtain Hammer Pants*

13 (1992) – Make out with Mindy

14 (1993) – Make out with Mindy

15 (1994) – Make out with someone*

16 (1995) – Get a job to buy more pot*

17 (1996) – Smoke pot out of a human skull while listening to Gangster Rap/Graduate High school**

18 (1997) – Either incinerate the dorms or bring up grades

19 (1998) – Watch more foreign films; try to use the phrase ‘mise-en-scène’*

20 (1999) – Experiment with open relationships*

21 (2000) – Make out with Mindy


Post-graduation and Careers (2001-2009)



Age 22 (2001) – Give up meat/masculinity*

23 (2002) – Become a teacher

24 (2003) – Write a novel

25 (2004) – Novels are dead. Write a screenplay.

26 (2005) – Purchase a foreclosed house built on someone’s broken dreams

27 (2006) – Become a chess Grandmaster

28 (2007) – Become a Firefighter

29 (2008) – Find direction. Take the time to figure out what you want to do with your life.

30 (2009) – Become a cheetah

...

* Denotes that the resolution was accomplished

** Denotes partial accomplishment

IMAGES:

Top—My nephews, Zach and Noah, on Zach's first day of school. Is there any doubt that Noah's resolution is to defeat Venom?

Middle–Adam, Megan, and Friends (and while not technically teenagers in this photo, I feel that they are channeling an adolescence lost as Megan turned 30).

Bottom–Wedding Portrait of the Greeks in my Grandparents' generation. The second from the right in the back row in my Pappou (Greek for grandpa). His name was John Photos.